Your relationship is coming apart and you’re stressed out. You realize that sooner or later you will have to face your children and let them know what’s really going on between you and your spouse. Here’s what we advise parents who are separating or contemplating divorce:

If you’re at the point where you need to tell the kids about divorce and future separation from your spouse, keep these ideas in mind during your first few conversations with the kids:

• Have both parents tell the child(ren) together;

• All children need to be told at the same time whenever possible;

• Offer clear, honest explanations. Avoid elaborate details of your marital problems (ie. Affairs, sexual problems);

• It’s best to present divorce as a serious decision made after considerable thought, but with sadness, reluctance and sorrow for the pain it causes the child;

• Focus on what will happen to each child. As best as possible describe basic changes (ie. living arrangements, financial changes, time spent with the other parent) and reassuring the children that they are loved very much and it is not their fault that you are divorcing or separating;

• Know before you talk with the children what will happen next. Children need concrete details-where will they live, when will they see each parent, and where they will go to school;

• Assure your child he or she will be told of all major developments and changes; However do not show your child court papers or give them a play by play of your situation;

• Extend an invitation to your child to make suggestions that will be considered.
• Encourage the children to speak their mind about the situation so that you can address their concerns;

• Stress that your child is not responsible for the divorce, but that this is an issue between the adults;

• Reassure your child that the divorce does not weaken the bond between the parent and the child;

• Reassure your child that they are loved;
• Reassure your child that you are not divorcing the child;

• Reassure your child that you are still a family;

• Reassure your child that mommy and daddy still love each other as parents but are having problems right now;

• Give your child permission to love both parents;

• Give your child a time frame of the divorce and expected changes;

• Do not talk ill of your spouse, keep your comments to your therapist or friends. Remember that your ex spouse is also the other parent of your children;

• Give your child clear sense of an established place in each parent’s home (ie. their own room, place for toys, toiletries).

If you are facing a divorce or have family law issues visit this website to read more about how to protect your legal rights. Find out about the divorce process from beginning to end and how not being ready could affect you and your children.

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